Mentis- Write three small asks: practical, small, and for this week.
- Make one of them by voice or in person, not just by text.
- People say yes to direct requests far more often than askers predict.
- In Mentis: "The Small Ask", the keystone of chapter 7 of the Relationships plan. The Sleep plan uses "The One Ask" for a shared room, and the Work plan has "Asking One Person For One Thing".
How do you make a small ask?
- Write three asks. Small and specific: "Can you look at my CV for ten minutes?" "Could you pick up Ma's medicines on your way?" "Can I take Friday afternoon to finish the report?"
- Pick the easiest one.
- Ask by voice. A call, a voice note, or in person.
- Make it easy to say no. "Totally fine if not." It actually makes a yes more likely.
- Notice what happened versus what you expected. Write a line: the app's prompt is "How The Ask Went".
Why do people say yes more than we think?
In a series of studies at Stanford and Columbia, people had to ask strangers for help, and first predicted how many people they'd need to ask. They consistently overestimated, by around double, how many people they'd have to approach before someone agreed (Flynn & Lake, 2008). We focus on the cost to the other person, and forget how awkward it is for them to say no, and how good it feels to help.
How you ask matters too. Face-to-face requests were about 34 times more successful than the same request by email, and people didn't see the difference coming (Roghanizad & Bohns, 2017). And asking for advice doesn't make you look weak: in one study, people who asked for advice were seen as more competent (Brooks, Gino & Schweitzer, 2015).
When should you use it?
- When you're doing everything alone at home or at work.
- When you've stopped asking for things you need ("What You've Stopped Asking For").
- Before a heavy week. One ask can take a real load off.
Where is it in the Mentis app?
Chapter 7 of the Relationships plan, "Asking for something", includes "Why Asking Feels Like Debt", "People Say Yes More Than You Think", "Make One Of The Three, By Voice" and the audio "The One Who Was Glad To Be Asked". In the Work stress plan, chapter 8, "Not carrying it alone", uses the same skill with colleagues.
Frequently asked questions
Why is asking for help so hard?
We worry about being a burden, looking weak, or owing someone. Research shows we also misjudge the other side: we underestimate how likely people are to say yes, and how good they feel about helping.
Does asking make people like you less?
Usually not. Helping tends to make people feel good, and a reasonable request can strengthen a relationship. In one study, people who asked for advice were seen as more competent, not less.
Why by voice?
Requests made in person or by voice are far more likely to get a yes than the same request by text or email, and people underestimate that difference.
What if they say no?
Then you've learned something and lost very little. The plan's lesson 'When The Answer Is No' covers this. Most people say no to the request, not to you.
- Flynn FJ, Lake VKB (2008). If you need help, just ask: underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 95(1).
- Roghanizad MM, Bohns VK (2017). Ask in person: you're less persuasive than you think over email. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 69.
- Brooks AW, Gino F, Schweitzer ME (2015). Smart people ask for (my) advice: seeking advice boosts perceptions of competence. Management Science 61(6).