Mentis- Three names, one short message a day, at a set time.
- No reason needed. "Saw this and thought of you" counts.
- People appreciate being reached out to far more than senders expect.
- In Mentis: "The One Message", the keystone of chapter 2 of the Relationships plan.
How do you do it?
- Pick three names. People you've drifted from, but would be glad to hear from: an old college friend, a cousin, a former colleague.
- Pick a time. On the metro, after lunch, with your evening chai.
- Send one message a day to one of them. Keep it short and specific.
- Don't wait for replies before sending the next one, to a different name.
- Once a week, make one a call. That's the step "Make One Of Them A Call".
Why does one small message matter?
Relationships rarely end with a fight. They go quiet. Each of you waits for a reason to get in touch, and the longer it's been, the bigger the reason seems to need to be.
Research says the reason can be tiny. In a series of experiments with thousands of people, recipients appreciated short, unexpected messages much more than senders predicted, and the more surprising the message, the bigger the gap (Liu et al., 2023). Voice helps even more: people expected phone calls with old friends to feel awkward, but they felt more connected than over text, and not more awkward (Kumar & Epley, 2021).
It matters. Across 148 studies, people with stronger social ties had a 50% higher likelihood of survival over the study periods (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).
What should the message say?
Short and specific beats long and general. Some that work:
- "Saw a Maggi stall today and remembered hostel nights. How are you doing?"
- "This song came on and I thought of our Goa trip 😄"
- "How did your daughter's exams go?" (if you know something is happening in their life)
- A photo you took, with one line.
Avoid "we should catch up sometime". It sounds warm, but it puts the work on them. If you want to meet, suggest a time: "Free for chai on Saturday evening?"
When should you use it?
- When you feel lonely, even in a busy house or office.
- After moving to a new city.
- When your phone is full of groups but empty of real conversations.
Where is it in the Mentis app?
Chapter 2 of the Relationships plan, "One person, on purpose", is built on this habit. It includes "Why The Small Message Works", "Pick Three Names And Your Time", "Nothing To Say Is Fine", the audio "The Ones Who Were Glad", and "When There's No Reply, And When The Reply Is A Lot". When you're ready to go deeper, try saying the real thing.
Frequently asked questions
What should I say if I haven't talked to them in ages?
Something short and specific: 'Saw a Maggi stall and remembered hostel nights. How are you?' The plan's lesson 'Nothing To Say Is Fine' covers this. You don't need news or an excuse.
What if they don't reply?
Some won't, at first. That's normal and usually about their busy week, not about you. Keep the habit going with your three names, and swap in a new name after a couple of tries.
Does texting really help loneliness?
It's a start. Research shows people underestimate how much a short reach-out is appreciated. The plan builds from messages towards calls and doing things together, which matter more over time.
- Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE (2023). The surprise of reaching out: appreciated more than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 124(4).
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine 7(7).
- Kumar A, Epley N (2021). It's surprisingly nice to hear you: misunderstanding the impact of communication media can lead to suboptimal choices of how to connect with others. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General 150(3).