Mentis- Count the real conversations, not the forwards. Loneliness often exaggerates.
- Write the sentence you'd like to say before you say it.
- For a fight, write it as a neutral friend would see it. Seven minutes is enough.
Why write about your relationships?
Strong relationships are one of the best-documented foundations of wellbeing. A meta-analysis of 148 studies covering more than 300,000 people found that people with stronger social ties had a 50% greater likelihood of survival over the study periods (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010). Writing helps in a specific way. In a two-year study, couples who spent just seven minutes, three times a year, writing about their latest disagreement from the viewpoint of a neutral third party kept their marital satisfaction steady, while couples who didn't saw it decline (Finkel et al., 2013).
Pick one prompt. Five minutes. Be honest; nobody else will read it.
Who's actually around you
- Everyone I actually spoke to today, not messaged or forwarded. One line each: who, roughly how long, how it felt.
- Which name would hurt most to lose? When did we last speak properly?
- Think back over today. Morning, afternoon, evening: who was I with, and when was the time mine?
- If I needed help tomorrow, who would actually show up? Names.
- Who's easy to ask for things, and what makes them easy?
Reaching out
- This week's messages, sorted: sent, replied, "nothing yet". ("Nothing yet" is an ordinary outcome, not a verdict.)
- Which message cost me least to send, and why? What does that say about who to start with next week?
- My recent exchanges with one person: who moved first, each time?
- The message I didn't send this week: what did I feel instead, and how long did it last?
- What did I use to do with people: the walk, the cricket, the chai after class? Which of those could happen again, smaller?
- The thing I did with someone this week: how did it actually feel, including the part that was hard work?
From the Mentis activities "Who You Actually Spoke To Today", "What You Sent, What Came Back" and "What You Used To Do With People".
Time that's yours
- The days I got twenty minutes to myself: what was different about the evening after?
- When in a normal day is anything just mine? What would I do with an extra twenty minutes?
- Who would I need to tell, or ask, to protect that time?
Saying the real thing
- Today's moments, sorted: things I said, and things I held back. Next to each held-back one, a word for what I'd have said.
- The easiest person to say a true thing to, and the hardest. What's actually different between them: them, or me?
- One sentence I want to say, and who it's for.
- What I expected when I said it, and what actually happened. Was the gap the size I thought?
Asking for something
- The things I handled alone today that I could have asked about. One line each.
- What stops me asking: pride, not wanting to be a burden, fear of a no?
- The one specific, small thing I could ask for this week. Who, when, in what words?
- How the ask went: what I feared, and what happened. If it was a no, what did the no actually cost?
When there's friction
- The last time it flared: what was actually said or done, what I felt, what I did, how it ended.
- Seven minutes: write the last argument as a neutral person who wants the best for both of us would see it. What was each of us really after?
- My part and their part in the last round. Only what a camera would have seen.
- The time I answered the point instead of matching the tone: what did they do next?
- Next time it starts: what will I answer, and what will I leave?
Keeping it going
- One thing I'll keep in the week: the thing, the person, the day.
- Finish this: "If a week goes by with no message to anyone, I ___."
- Finish this: "I'll know I'm drifting when ___."
Going further
These prompts follow the nine chapters of the Mentis Relationships plan: "One person, on purpose", "Time that's actually mine", "Both ways", "Something to do together", "Saying the real thing", "Asking for something" and "The friction with one person". Read more on relationships and loneliness, or try journal prompts for self-love.
Frequently asked questions
Can journaling help a relationship?
Writing about a conflict from a neutral observer's point of view has been studied directly. In one experiment, couples who spent seven minutes doing this three times a year kept higher marital satisfaction than couples who didn't. Journaling also helps you get clear on what you want to say before you say it.
What should I write about when I feel lonely?
Start with facts, not verdicts: who you actually spoke to today, for how long, and how it felt. Loneliness often tells you 'nobody' when the real picture is 'a few people I haven't reached out to'.
How do I journal about a fight without making it worse?
Stick to what a camera would have seen and heard, then write what each of you was really after. Avoid writing a case against the other person. The aim is understanding, not winning.
Are these prompts only for couples?
No. They work for friends, family, flatmates and colleagues: anyone you want to feel closer to, or have less friction with.
- Finkel EJ, Slotter EB, Luchies LB, Walton GM, Gross JJ. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science 24(8):1595–1601.
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine 7(7):e1000316.
- Pennebaker JW. (1997). Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science 8(3):162–166.