Mentis- Write the critic's sentence, then what a friend would say. The friend's sentence has to be true.
- Notice what you did well, especially on hard days.
- Self-compassion isn't letting yourself off the hook. It's what makes it possible to try again.
Why self-compassion works
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as three things: kindness towards yourself instead of harsh judgement, remembering that struggling is part of being human rather than proof you're failing, and noticing painful feelings without getting swept away by them (Neff, 2003). It's been tested widely. A meta-analysis of 27 randomised trials found self-compassion interventions reduced self-criticism, rumination, stress, anxiety and depressive symptoms (Ferrari et al., 2019).
And it doesn't make you soft. In a set of experiments, people who were kind to themselves after a failure spent longer preparing for a retest and were more motivated to improve than those who weren't (Breines & Chen, 2012).
Talk back to the inner critic
- Today's critical sentence, word for word. Then what a friend who knows everything about me would say instead. It has to be true.
- Whose voice does my inner critic sound like: a parent, a teacher, a boss, a relative at a wedding?
- After the critic's sentence this week, what did I actually do? After the friend's sentence? Which one got me moving?
- What does my critic say I "should" be by now? Who decided that?
- If my younger self could see me now, what would they be proud of?
Adapted from the Mentis activities "What The Critic Said, What A Friend Would Say" and "The Motivation Test".
Write to yourself like a friend
- Five minutes: write to myself about the thing I'm hardest on, in the words of a friend who knows everything and is on my side.
- What would I say to a friend who'd had my exact week?
- One thing I'd forgive in anyone else that I won't forgive in myself.
- A letter to myself on my worst day. What do I need to hear?
- What would "being on my own side" look like tomorrow, in one concrete action?
Notice what's good
- Three things I did well today, however small. Getting up counts.
- Something I'm pleased with from this month.
- A compliment I brushed off recently. What if it was simply true?
- What do the people who love me see in me that I don't?
- What's one thing my body did for me today?
- A hard thing I've survived. What did it teach me about myself?
Common humanity: you're not the only one
- What am I struggling with that I'm sure many people my age are struggling with too?
- When I imagine everyone else has it figured out, what am I not seeing?
- Who's someone I admire who's been through something similar?
- What would change if I believed my struggles made me normal, not broken?
Boundaries and needs
- Where did I say yes this week when I meant no?
- What do I need more of right now: rest, fun, company, quiet?
- One small thing I can give myself this week without earning it first.
- What am I carrying for other people that isn't mine to carry?
- What's one standard I hold myself to that I'd never hold a friend to?
Growth without punishment
- A mistake I made recently. What would I do differently, said kindly?
- What's "good enough" for today, honestly?
- What am I learning right now that I'm allowed to be bad at?
- How would I treat myself tomorrow if I fully expected to mess something up and still be okay?
- Finish this: "I'm someone who ___, even when ___."
Going further
"The inner critic" is a full chapter in the Mentis Overthinking plan, with daily prompts like these, a guided practice and a short read. Try the gratitude prompts next, or prompts for overthinking if the critic tends to loop.
Frequently asked questions
What's the difference between self-love and self-compassion?
Self-love is often used to mean feeling good about yourself. Self-compassion, as researchers define it, means being kind to yourself when things go wrong, seeing your struggles as part of being human, and noticing painful feelings without drowning in them. It's more reliable, because it doesn't depend on doing well.
Won't being kind to myself make me lazy?
Research suggests the opposite. In experiments, people encouraged to be self-compassionate after a failure studied longer and were more motivated to make amends and improve than people who were harsh with themselves.
What if the prompts feel fake?
Keep it true rather than positive. 'I did my best on a day I barely slept' is better than 'I am amazing'. If a kind sentence doesn't feel true, find a smaller one that does.
How often should I do self-love journaling?
A few minutes, a few times a week, is plenty. It's most useful on the days you least feel like it.
- Neff KD. (2003). Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity 2(2):85–101.
- Breines JG, Chen S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 38(9):1133–1143.
- Ferrari M et al. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: a meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness 10:1455–1473.